How to talk about divorce

In a word: Gently.

 

While there is no one “correct” way to say the words, experts agree that the least harmful method would be one in which there was

 

  • Minimal Parental Conflict

    • If parties are able to tell the child together, it sends a unified message that is easier for children to process.

    • If the parties cannot tell the child(ren) together, the next best option is for each party to independently dedicate time for the discussion.

    • Avoid blame, anger, or negative statements about the other parent. Seek personal or family counseling if you need it. It is a high-stress time for everyone involved.

 

  • Simple Clear Explanations

    • Once emotions elevate, it is difficult to hear new information. Practice a few simple sentences that are truthful but kind. Your child(ren) need(s) to know that you will both continue to be available to them and together you will always be a family. Expect repeated questioning as children process what is happening.

 

  • Plenty of Time

    • Children will need time to ask questions, seek and receive reassurance, or express emotions. In the car on the way to school or soccer practice is not a good time.

 

  • Honesty to the degree that it is appropriate and is helpful.

    • Remember, the conversation is solely for the benefit of the child(ren), not the adults. It is not fair to the child (or appropriate) to malign the other parent.

 

  • Developmentally Appropriate Approach

    • Click on each stage for more information.

 

Babies and Early Childhood

  • Babies and very young children cannot visualize what a divorce is. They rely on their caregivers for their sense of safety. They view the word in concrete terms. They cannot understand complex events, imagine the future, or understand their own feelings. Keep it simple and short. Expect- and invite- questions. It isn’t going to be one conversation, but many over time.

    “(PARENT) and I are not going to live in the same house anymore. (PARENT)’s home is going to be  (WHERE) and I am going to have a home (WHERE). You will spend time with both of us at both houses because we both love you very much.”

    It is helpful to show the child where they will sleep and explain who will take care of them.

Early Elementary School Aged Children

  • Elementary School-aged children have some ability to understand, think and talk about feelings related to divorce (but may not want to). Their relationships outside the family are an important part of their social development and become a greater factor in planning parenting time. They tend to see things in black and white and may assign blame to one of the parents. School-aged children may display fear, anxiety, anger, or sadness, including signs of missing their other parent. Some hold onto hope for reconciliation and try to make that happen. Routines (and clear family calendars) are very important at this age.

 

Middle School and Early Puberty

  • Children in middle grades have more ability to understand the situation and express feelings. Their friends are of greater importance, as is the ability to participate in social events. They may be exhibiting greater independence and start to question parental authority. Irritability and anger are common and children in middle grades may refuse to discuss their feelings. As much as pre-teens push parents away, they need parents to be reliable and present. Avoid thinking of parenting time as “yours” or “mine” but rather the child’s.

High School and Early Adulthood

High school students and young adults are naturally separating from the family of origin and beginning a life of their own. They tend to be stoic and hide their feelings. Despite their developmental need for independence, they still look to their family as a stable base. Holidays and traditions may have increased importance to them. Don’t be misinformed that adolescents and young adults “don’t care.”